If I Worked While You Slept

Dear Sophia,

Recently you slept from 7:30 pm to 7:30 am and then took a 2 1/2 hour nap in the afternoon. It was amazing and restorative. If you are reading this as a new Mother- don't fret when the same sleep pattern isn't happening for your own little one- it doesn't with you every night either. 

As I held you before bed the next night, I had this thought that if I worked the night shift, I wouldn't have to miss any of your little life. It was strange that I had this thought, because your energy requires a lot of energy, and it wouldn't be good for either of us if I never slept. Also,time away from others is how I refuel and get stuff done. 

The next morning you heard your Dad leaving for the airport for his work trip at 4:45 am. I laid in bed and counted to 100, hoping that you would go back to sleep and fearing that retrieving you would break the streak of "happy, rested toddler". I brought you into our bed. You became a little teary, saying "I want Dada", when you saw he wasn't there. You said, "Mama, hold you" and then laid very still.

I don't think either of us had fallen back asleep, when all of a sudden these wonderful giggles came pouring out of your very awake self. Maybe if I hadn't had the gift of the prior's night sleep, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the gift I was receiving then. Your sheer delight in being alive and being near me, which bring me great joy as well.

I spent years mulling over how much I would work once I had children, but did not shed a tear when I returned to the office. To this day, I look forward to going to work and coming home. Similar to living the four seasons of the year and looking forward to wearing cozy sweaters and drinking hot chocolate when the summer heat is at its peak, and looking forward to shedding those same sweaters when winter nears its end.


Sophia, you and I are both incredibly fortunate to have five wonderful women taking turns caring for you while I am at the VA Hospital. These women each share their individual gifts with you, and enlarge the circle you can turn to throughout your life. We have both grown to trust others, and have developed our own new skills while apart. I do research at work, and while I am there, you do your own research through play. 

Yet when I daydream about your younger siblings joining our family, I sometimes think about how if they are closer to your age now when we adopt, I will have missed almost two years of their lives. If I worked while they slept, it would almost seem like I could get some of the lost time back.  Then I remind myself that I am actually hoping to miss a large portion of your lives, as it is my desire for you all to out live me by thirty years or so; to continue living the purpose and calling of your lives once I have completed mine. I will be forever grateful that one of the purposes of my life has been caring for you.

Much love,

Your Mama